Hide & Prove
It’s just before 8 pm on a Tuesday. My hot tea is steeping on the desk. Got my laptop fired up and the office lights dimmed. I take a few breaths and put in my earpods. My fidgeting highlights nervous energy. It’s been a while since I have hosted this digital gathering. I wonder how it will go, who will show up, will these guys deem it worth their time.
I open up the Zoom room to find a few familiar but mostly unfamiliar faces. Catching their expressions makes me grateful. Then it fuels some courage to introduce myself. I set a few intentions and stress the importance of confidentiality, trust, and just being. The purpose of the call is simple - chill out, connect, reflect. I move everyone to find a comfortable seated position and guide them into meditation. I lead them first to their bodies, then to their breath. This helps us slow down and find our space together. From there I tee up our topic-du-jour:
Where in our lives do we notice ourselves trying to prove or hide?
This is one of my more recent musings. If you knew me or just opened the hood of my mind, you would likely find me contemplating how this stuff plays out in my own life: Out to dinner with friends, how and why am I proving my worth or hiding my true feelings? At the gym, am I trying to stand out or be invisible? In my work life, am I jockeying for status and power or am I just simply afraid and playing small?
Tonight I select this subject anticipating it will provoke a thoughtful conversation. What I don’t expect are the pangs of self doubt rising up into my throat as I realize I may be held accountable for admitting my current predicament. I’m real-time in the throes of trying to prove my worth or hide my distress. No denying it. Feelings of embarrassment fire through my mind as I swing from the confident meeting host to thinking I’m not good enough. I distract myself by moving the group into smaller breakouts. This is part of the call format and will give us a chance to connect on a more personal level and dive more deeply into the topic at hand. I pop into the breakout and begin to listen, then ponder, and eventually take my turn to share. I openly admit to the unease I felt leading up to the call. I hesitatingly announce my true aspiration - to somehow validate that these guys conclude this experience is time well spent. In other words, I want my ego stroked. I’m hoping for acceptance or worried they are judging. I just want to be liked.
These fears are my own mind fucking. Cerebral acrobatics that fan the flames of deeper insecurities. Not surprisingly, this dissipates once we’re underway. One of the guys pinpoints my torment when explaining his own circumstance, “The inertia of me not taking action seems to be acutely more painful than moving through the fears that hold me back.” This rings true. His comments are subtle but potent. Our critical minds spark self judgement and hold us back from being honest. Our concern of not feeling worthy lingers without honest self expression.
I notice as soon as we are knee deep into this discussion, the vibe of the call changes. We lose our contrived selves, stop trying to outdo our own stories and turn our attention to where we stand proud on a soapbox or wish we had an invisibility cloak. And the more we talk, the more I can see how my sincere admission liberates me from trying to be someone I’m not. Simply being my true self washes away the tendency to demonstrate or run. Other men declare finding similar relief. One guy notices how he was trying abnormally to distinguish himself as he took a new job and moved his family from Colorado to Michigan. Another tells how he is often trying to conceal the unrelenting pain and struggle associated with his wife’s medical issues.
The discussion wraps and I sense these men more at ease. Brows are less furrowed and smiles appear. I too have a moment of clarity. It strikes me that my leading these circles is a personal choice not motivated by ego or showmanship. I just want to do my part to help us guys see the hilarity of our minds. I’m also a big believer that the wider perspective we seek, the more equipped we are to be kind - to each other and to ourselves. Of course I also just love instigating a shared experience that brings together good natured, like minded men.
A few days have passed since that call and I find myself laughing at how these patterns of thinking permeate through our lives. Like right this minute as I try to distract myself from this writing task by sifting through unopened mail and making another cup of coffee. Anything to prolong the scrutiny you will likely wage against this prose. Even as my fingers tap away, I notice myself asking, “What’s your point Robbins, what are you trying to prove…?”
The answer to this question is as fleeting as our mind fucks. Like it or not, we are always swinging from energetic to tired, succeeding to failing, psyched to bummed. So too with proving and hiding. We’re always doing one or the other and we’re always rearranging our justification of such behavior. The only real constant in this mental shit show is our self awareness. Being able to pause just long enough to notice where or why we behave like this - this is our power source.
Note: if you would like to participate in our next Zoom circle, drop your email here.
// Christopher Robbins / chris@souldegree.com