Fatherhood

As a father (and once a son to a father), Fathers Day has always been about celebrating Dad. Making a card, cooking the bacon, or delivering a hug.  Maybe a back rub, whispering a sweet nothing or making a dinner time toast. Anyway you slice it, it’s a day set aside to deliver acts of kindness - all intended to alleviate some pressure on what looks like a demanding job. 

But this year is a bit different because I am without my family. There is nobody here to do the dishes, make me dinner or rub my feet. I’m not sad or feeling forgotten. In fact, for the first time in a long time, I find myself with a moment to reflect on what it means to be a father. My quick conclusion - it’s a Herculean undertaking that doesn’t come with a useful guidebook.

I used to think fatherhood was all about basic blocking and tackling. The bottle feeding, diaper changing, arm cradling. It required supporting mom, tidying up, providing entertainment. Reading books, building Lego’s, and throwing the ball. Helping with homework, providing taxi services, making money and putting up a quality roof overhead. Looking at it through this lens feels quite exhausting. It’s no wonder why on Fathers Day we just want to put our feet up.   

But there is another side to fathering that seems to have less to do with household chores or keeping the little’s out of trouble. Sure these head of household responsibilities are helpful and important. But for much too long I have mistaken fatherhood as an act of doing versus being.

Being a father is actually much more challenging than just cleaning up puke, helping with lunches, or paying for the wedding. All of these actions have a beginning and end. They have results to show. As guys, we are programmed to be in action, to provide and protect, to fix and solve. Do, do, do.  This is our calling, or so it seems.

But as my kids get a little older, I’m beginning to see that the true joy of being a father is not about solving problems or doing things. It’s about being a listener. Providing complete selfless listening with no other purpose other than to hear. To stop, find their eyes, and just open your heart up to their own experience. Done right, this requires eliminating all judgment, ignoring what you know, resisting the tendency to find the answer. It takes just being with your child – no intentions, no rules, no assumptions. Instead just pure listening - to what they are feeling or seeing. And reminding yourself that they are just like you. Not in the genetic sense, but in how they are navigating this thing called life. They too are scared, alone, anxious, trying to be loved and accepted wherever they go.

Sure hugs are wonderful - they offer comfort and safety. But truly listening for the sake of making them feel heard. This is the real underpinnings to being a father. To simply being in service to their existence. This is the greatest gift of all and it makes me wonder if on Fathers Day, we should be celebrating our children for putting us in this envious position to just BE. 

//Christopher Robbins